| but a light bulb breakkssss sometimessssss |
[Dec. 7th, 2007|02:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | chair | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | saveeeeeeeeeeeess the day always. | ] |
im just in this constant circle and ongoing cycle of the same bullshit that i brought upon myslef as a child and maybe people dont realize how much all this tears me apart inside that everyday its all i think about that i threw out the past 5 years and noone really knows how happy i could have been.
goodbye ill be moving in a few days.
this could either fix a lot of problems or create an even bigger situation.
my independence and freedom to make my own choices is scary.
and i cant help but be afraid im going to feel like im being watched like i felt the last time i moved out.
im very afraid this is going to go the wrong way.
im completely certain on my relationship i have no worrys about that which is nice to be confident about.
i just see my health going to shit even more then it has.
i wish i stopped this when i was given the chance and a helping hand, iwish when my mom said your going away 3 years ago she sent me, then maybe all of this would be fixed.
ooh well.
another day another cycle. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2006|02:55 am] |
i guess its the artist inside of me but the constant determination to sculpt my body into what i feel is right has taken over 110% of my thought. i was hoping this would be a phase i went through in highschool. I remember writing down how many months it had gone on back when i was 16 in the journal i used to carry around with me, i figured it was a phase and it would go away soon. months turned into years and im approachind 4 years now. fine art takes time and i am no where near complete with this body transformation. i feel like every day that goes by im getting farther and farther from what i feel is perfect. maybe perfect isnt good enough. its really all i have left now. my drive for school has basically been flushed down the toilet along with the money wasted. im not even a superficial perosn and thats what always bothered me about this. i always find the beauty in people from the inside first. why cant i find that in myself. lately ive been listening to the music that helped keep me alive when i was at my worst emotionally and physically, everytime i hear the early november i think f the time my mom walked in on me and what she said and what she did and how i ran down the street with no shoes on crying and how i was so mad becasue she wasnt supposed to react like that and i never got over that.and everytime i hear pedro the lion i thikn about how many times my dad kicked me out for what my mom walked in on me doing and how he hit me for that same thinghes not suposed to to that and rather then kciking me out he shoudl be hugging me but he doesnt and he never will again. i actually remeber our last hug, and how much i hated him when he hugged me and how i knew he only hugged me because it was infront of people and he wanted to make himself look good in front of my freinds because he knew i said he was a bad man and he wanted to look like a good perosn but he really isnt.
and i know no onw knows what im talking about but i don care because i know and i need to write and my hands are too cold to write this down on paper
and i think ive said more than enough.
but on a lighter now i have the biggest middle school crush ahaha and i am so lame but it kind of makes me want to sit around and write his initals and mine with hearts but i wont do that.
wow im lame.
and done.
bye. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|11:36 pm] |
i wish i had the eyes of a child again. i want everything to seem new and pure. i want my vision clear and undistorted. i want to walk up the stairs and have it not hurt.
my body is tired and hateing me. i really dont blame it. i need an awakening. especially on days like this.
on a good note im going back to school. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2006|03:07 pm] |
i really dont even lke updating this anymore so this is possibly my last one.
but i might be going away.
my mom threatened to send me away to get help but i dont really see how she can i am 18 and i do have my own car and i am legally an adult and yes i do live in her house but she cant force me.
im terrified of going away.
and i dropped out of college and for that i feel liek a failure but i dont think that peple realize that its hard to get up in the morning my body hurts and my bones crack and its hard when you dad waked u up at 6 00 in the morning yelling at you and its hard having breakdowns so i did what i needed to do and im still a hardworker and i guess i just need that to be known.
but i guess my new goas are just to continue being a hardowrker and id liek to be an assistant manager at my job if thats possible and keep working on my portfolio and have more fun with my life and keep the relationships i have with my freinds strong and save some money and look for an apt in the city and start my new life out there.
its a lot of work and a lot of goals and a lot of wishing
and i cant let this obsticle get in my way i dont have time to go away.
and thats it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2006|05:13 am] |
goodbye 2005 i cant say i enjoyed you.
im glad to be leaving behind a year full of clinics, therapy, doctors and self lothing.
my resolutions are:
1.) loose 10 lbs so i can reach my goal weight of 105
2.)move out of the house
3.)become as distant from my father as possible
4.)maybe possibly find happiness somehwre in someone\
fuck you 2005 i realy did hate you
this year was terrible. all i did was hate myself and my father more. nothign was good about it. and tonight started off with my father ad i fighting me slipping and hitting my head really hard on a door gettiung drunk going to parties and then fighting wiht my father again and then staring the new year off fresh with my fucking bad habbit.
wow
im off to a great fukign start. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2005|03:26 am] |
and with not even the tinyest bit of hope left inside my tired body, ive become quite content with knowing theres no chance of recovory. This lifestyle has grown not so shocking and those around me have realized my dominace, and take a step back and leared to accomodate as well. This has been inside me since i was born. There is no medicine, no operation. This is me, this is how i was born, this is how i will die. Only time will tell with how i will depart. This could kill me, unless this dominance inside me drives me, to kill me first.
if you want to know just ask. i dont mind talking about it. i try to educate and turn the curious away. I guess you can say im the bad example. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2005|02:44 pm] |
oh everything in my previous entry is bullshit bc apparently hes giving me signals that he doesnt like me
annnndddddddd
im sick anddd me and lairen are going to get our real estate license an dmake a ashit load of money
and lauren got me high the other night and i didnt bugg out which wa snice
and
thats all
i have work
my life sucks
bye |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2005|01:53 am] |
i havent updated in forever.
im scared about a number of things
1st off health
i have no health
second
my mind is crazy
3rd
i swear
you give me so many butterflys i had to pull over on the way home from your house.
i cant explain it but when you pull me so close that i cant even breath and i want to explode and scream and laugh and smile and hold you even closer and then you hold me closer and its a battle of who can hold eachother closer.
i dont even know where this is going
but it scares me
but im glad it scares me
and i want it to scare me
and i want it to work
and im typing this in an online journal for the world to see beacsue im too scared to say it to your beautiful face becasue my mind is so messed up that no kidding an hour after i leave your side i think that you dont have any of the same feelings for me.
but when were together and your pulling me close i feel like were on the same page.
and that frst night where we just heald eachother for hours.i havent felt good like that in so long.
but now that ive been sitting here and your doing your thing and im doing mine all the doubtful feelings are comming beacsue im so self consious and theres no way someone so beautiful could ever feel that way for me theres nothing special about me.
im not pretty or skinny or funny or anything i dont have a nice car i dont have a lot of money i have terrible habbits and get it aweful moods
but oh my god everytime i thikn about those butterflys i swear i smile so wide and keel over a little becasue they keep comming back.
and i get quiet beacsue i get jealouse even when i hear another girls name out of your mouth becaus ei thikn so litle of myself.
and even though you kisse dme goodbye i still doubt it and i dont want to i want to embrace it beacsue i thikn your a wonderful thing and i thikn we could be good for eachother i thikn we could even eachother out well.
and i really do thikn that your beautiful
and theres no way i could ever say this to your face beacsue i can be so intimidated by you beacsue your so beautiful and i seriously jhust get dumb when im around you beacsue i stare and i dont mean to but i cant help it.
and ive gone on about this far too much.
and i really hope you read it beacsue i dont think i could ever say any of this to you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2005|03:11 pm] |
god please give me the strength to change
please give me the same will power i put into harming myself everyday into getting better
please let the lump be nothing more then a lump
please clear my mind of all these distored images i have in my head
please let me look in the mirror and be okay
please tell my why my parents are not supporting me
pleas tell me why they put a lock and key on the things i need
please dont let me get sicker
you have sent me angels that i know as friends
and i couldnt be more greatful.
beauty is not everything
body is not everything
one day i will belive that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2005|01:06 am] |
life is really expensive lately.
and scary.
and i thikn i got a second job at platos closet and i need it with the raising gas prices and insurence and city life next year.
and i dont know if i liek being somewhat independent.
today when i left my interviw at platos closet and sat in my car by myself i just felt.. lonely.
and if this is what independence and responsibility is always going to feel liek i dont knwo .. if i like it.
and nicole and amanda are leaving
soon
words cant even express what these two have done for me.. what they have had to put up with all my mood swings late night breakdowns secrets i put so juch on their sholders this year and made them worry so much theres no way i can even make it up to them.
i just need them to know that i love them more then anything.
and will miss them more then they can imagine and i thank you two for trying to fix me. well see if maybe i can fix myself when there away.
but anyway.
i dont know why i hun out with him. but i did. and you know what.
hes fucking lame.
haha. |
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